The Early Bird Gets the Worm (That was lame enough to get up early)

I have never been a morning person. As if I didn’t already know this myself, friends and family love to point it out to me. For me, waking up to an alarm clock is the equivalent of being beaten with one of those pool noodles–not particularly damaging, but infuriating nonetheless. People often ask me what my problem is, and why I can’t just wake up happy to have lived to see another day? I don’t really have a good explanation for them other than that’s just the way I am, but I have decided to put together a list of reasons as to why it is that I am such an intolerable bitch in the morning.

1. Alarm clocks are seriously the most annoying things ever.

Really. I understand that they have to use those kinds of noises because some people could sleep through a nuclear blast, but some of us are light sleepers. The average alarm clock tone sends me jolting upwards wondering how our submarine got hit by a torpedo in Uncle Jerry’s lake only to realize it’s just that stupid device going off in an effort to ruin my every morning. I hate alarm clocks so much that when I hear them go off on TV or in movies, I break out in a cold sweat. Instead of using one, I should probably just get Caleb to gently nudge me awake while whispering sweetly to me, and then promptly hand me an egg McMuffin.

2. Time goes by faster in the mornings.

I can’t possibly be the only one who notices this phenomenon. Throughout the work-day, time crawls by at an agonizingly slow pace. In the morning, however, it somehow takes me 13 minutes to tie my shoe-laces. I really don’t get it. I guess I’m just dragging ass because I’m in full-blown “FUUUUUUUUU” mode, but five minutes seems to go by in a nano-second and then I’m too late to stop and get my parfait. It also doesn’t matter what time I wake up. I can get up as early as I want, but you’re not getting me out of the house before–at best–7:36.

3. Morning. Traffic.

Perhaps the only time I’m even more unpleasant than in the morning is during a severe case of road rage. It just so happens that sometimes both of these things coincide. You see, I find that most people are below average drivers. This thought causes me to believe that anyone who is driving recklessly is putting everyone in danger. So, when the old man in front of me with the Buick and handicapped sticker suddenly slams on breaks because, “OMFG THERES A CURVE–HOLY SHIT–WE’RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT EVEN THOUGH I’M BARELY DOING 27 AS IT IS!” I tend to get a little annoyed. Rich ladies also tend to piss me off when they get up in my ass with their BMW/Lexus/Mercedes. I am a female, but I also understand that many of them are not…uh…confident drivers–especially when it comes to high-powered luxury vehicles. All I can think about when people behave like this in traffic is that they’re not respecting my property that I pay a lot of money for. And then I think about ways I can re-invest that money to install weapons behind the headlights.

4. Basically every time I have to wake up early for something, it sucks.

Nothing fun happens before 9 in the morning. That’s my theory, anyway. Even the sun is like, “Eeehh…I’m just now getting up. It’s too early to be bright and hot as shit.” And yet, we think that school and work should start before then. The worst doctors and dentists appointments are always early as hell, and it really just sets the tone for the rest of the day when you wake up doing stuff you don’t like.  When my alarm goes off, I don’t get to laze around and have a lovely breakfast. I have to hop up and start getting ready to go sit at the office. Before then, I spent fifteen years waking up and rushing around to get to school and be around bitchy teachers and not learn things. (I would like to add that I factored my two years at MCC in with my fifteen years of schoolin’–not that it took me fifteen years to graduate.) So, no, I don’t usually HAVE a reason to be Mrs. CheerPants in the morning.

Honestly, I’m not really that bad in the morning. I just don’t want to talk much, and I need caffeine. After about thirty minutes of being awake, I’m just fine. In fact, the last person that made me blow my shit in the morning was some ghetto bitch in the MCC parking lot who was getting in my face. But that’s a post for another time.

Maybe I’ll grow out of this someday, but until then I’m just going to embrace it and try to get at least a good 7 hours of sleep a night. Yeah…right… /-:


~ by aleaderlost on June 14, 2011.

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